When Jimmy and I were in high school we entered a contest to come up with a new idea for lunch. Apparently the ole meatloaf and Tuesday surprise were getting old to the kids at our school. Or maybe because it smelled like stale puberty and wet lamb’s wool in there that they had to come up with a way to get the kids to actually enter the lunchroom. Jimmy and I thought hard about what we would really want to eat for lunch and put in the suggestion box. Guess what fans? WE WON! We had suggested ‘Breakfast for Lunch’ and it had been the best (possibly the only) idea the lunch ladies had received. We were so excited we told everyone we knew- our town was pretty boring if you hadn’t figured it out by our lunchtime contest- so we got a lot of recognition.
As our reward we got a behind the scenes tour of our school’s cafeteria as well as a sit down Q & A session with the head lunch lady. Tap, tap, is this thing on? THE HEAD LUNCH LADY! She runs the show! HA! I still can’t believe it to this day. On our way out of the kitchen we were given a dozen of the school’s best selling item- barely baked, Otis SpunkMyer, chocolate chip cookies. These cookies were HUGE and amazingly doughy. I’m fairly certain the ingredients were raw eggs, Crisco and chocolate chips then they just flatted them out to look like baked cookies. It’s most likely where Jimmy contracted salmonella our junior year, but we can never be sure because she spent a good amount of time around chickens.
This seemed like the best day of our little high school lives. After that tour Jimmy and I basically felt like we owned the lunchroom. We were tiny CEO’s of the dining hall at SHS. Suck it peons. Our first move as CEO’s was to deem one lunch lady Beaker, as she looked exactly like Beaker from the Muppet's. You all remember Beaker, right? *Picture below to jog your memories. We would purposely go through her line with our french fry, potato soup and soft pretzel lunches and when we were asked for our student id numbers we would respond with “meep meep meep meep 5 Meep 432. Meep” and then walk away, sometimes not even paying her the correct amount, other times leaving her the change. It. Was. Hilarious.
Also- when lunch was finished and all the kids were on the way out we’d drop our entire trays, trash and all, into the garbage can. There were signs all over the cafeteria explicitly saying to NOT throw away your plastic tray as they are washed and reused. Good thing Jimmy and I didn’t follow the rules or we wouldn’t have had minutes of laughter walking out of the lunchroom each day. Minutes.
These may sounds like mean things we did, but for Jimmy and I, it was a way to get through the boring school day. I guess when I stop and think about it I’m clearly getting hit hard in the face by karma. Those ladies are most likely still working their stations in the lunchroom, wearing their ankle weights so they get some exercise in during the day and collecting a paycheck that they take home to their bus-driver husbands, while I sit here unemployed playing a game with my dog that I just made up called “Basket Dog.” (Please see picture below.)
Karma is a b*tch.
Exhibit A: Lunch lady Beaker
Exhibit B: Basket Dog
Exhibit C: Get a GD job
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