Turkey Tiimmmee!

A.M.G (ah ma gah) it has been AGES since I’ve posted anything. I apologize to anyone (or just the one) that reads my blog. I have been all over the place lately. The last time you saw me I had just completed a riveting sales pitch for an interview at a company that I am really excited about…well GUESS WHAT?!...I still haven’t heard from them. Assholes.

I’m hoping they were all just very preoccupado with the short week before Thanksgiving, but they really, really want me to join their team and wanted to take the time to get me a welcome basket and presents before offering me the job. Seems reasonable. Thanksgiving is over though, so I’m assuming this will be the week- fingers crossed and funemployment forms lying on the shredder. Not shredded yet though- let’s not get ahead of ourselves now. HahayouknowwhatImsaying *elbow elbow

Speaking of Thanksgiving- I hope everyone had a nice time and ate some good ass turkey. I spent some time with my family and friends, but it did get me to thinking about working. I reckon everyone that went anywhere had to leave on Tuesday or Wednesday, assumedly taking a day off work to get to the intended destination. You enjoy the actual day of Thanks (yay), and then it is Friday (boo).

The Friday after Thanksgiving, in my professional opinion, is the dumbest day in the history of days. I mean…everyone in the United States is still in a turkey coma and trying to figure out how many pounds of mashed potatoes they would have to eat in order for potatoes to actually come out their ears, so why would anyone go to work? No one is thinking about business, they are thinking about how slow the day is going to be and how pointless working a day between a holiday and a weekend really is. Point.less. 

It also makes me mad because it cuts into the weekend and that always gets me riled up. Thanksgiving should be a party from Wednesday night through Sunday afternoon. When people have to work on Friday morning they don’t want to get turkey trotted (a.k.a mezzed up!) on Thursday night. After a massive dinner, the best thing to do is polish off a few bottles of wine while you break the wish bone, scoop sweet potatoes out of the dish with your hands and walk around with your pants unbuttoned for the next four hours. Instead, people complain about how they won’t be able to sleep because they are "so full", how they can’t have any more wine because they have to "drive home" and "work" and how the next workday is going to suck. And then in voicing all these complaints out loud they are completely ruining everyone else’s Thanksgiving night. Phew…so that’s what I think. And please believe that is the ONLY Friday that I will ever call dumb in my entire life!

I think that when I’m the CEO of my own company (most likely a company that will rescue injured birds and resell them on the black market for a high profit) that I will close my company from the Wednesday before Thanksgiving through the New Year. I mean….tis the season ;) 

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

I had a second interview people! For this interview I had to go in and make a sales pitch in favor of Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, and why someone should choose PB&J over a turkey sandwich. Here's my pitch with stage directions included:

This morning I’d like to start by saying that aside from the obvious fact that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches can be made by four-year olds and monkeys; there are many other reasons that our peanut-butter and jelly sandwich pounds the turkey sandwich when it comes to lunch time battles.

Let me ask you this question: would saving some time in the morning, or at any mealtime, be something that you’d look forward to and appreciate? (yes)

Well the classic PB&J is a timesaver! We have found that you will generally save about 2 hours a week just by creating a PB&J instead of a turkey sandwich. TWO HOURS! Wouldn’t that be nice?

This sandwich can be created in a Jiffy and bagged to go. You can quickly throw together a peanut butter and honey/jelly/nutella/banana sandwich on multigrain bread and you have a heart healthy meal- not to mention a sweet childhood memory!

It’s a timesaver but it’s boring eating the same peanut butter and jelly sandwich daily. Yes, some may argue that the turkey sandwich allows for more creativity as you can add more “extras”

 But let me ask this: have you heard of the ‘Regular Elvis’- peanut butter and banana with bacon, or maybe the ‘Black Elvis’- peanut butter, banana, bacon and nutella?

Maybe you’ve heard mention of the ‘Poo Bear’- peanut butter and honey or the ever-popular ‘Fools Gold’- peanut butter, raisins and some sugar. There are so many different ways to incorporate peanut butter and jelly into a sandwich it leaves the ingredients for turkey sandwiches crying on the sidelines.

Now let me ask you another question: would you like to save a CONSIDERABLE amount of money on lunches, food and groceries?

Let’s compare a pound of turkey, coming in on sale at around $6, to a pound of peanut butter and a jar of jelly coming in around $5 each. You would at first think the turkey is the more cost effective product. However, you can save $23 a week just by using the peanut butter versus making a turkey sandwich.

Plus, peanut butter and jelly keep longer than turkey- (not to mention longer than tomatoes, lettuce etc.) so you can effectively “spread your investment” over 3 to 4 times more sandwiches.

We’ll never win the war on our own hunger. So your best bet is to eat foods that keep you full longer; foods high in protein and fiber, like peanut butter. The peanut butter “sticks to your ribs” and manages to leave you content after your meal.

I’d like to point out the nutritional side of these sandwiches.  Some may argue the sugar in jelly is what ruins the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. However, our company makes a sugar free jelly, which is amazing. It tastes just like full sugar jelly with 1/3^rd less calories!

 So go ahead, grab our peanut butter and jelly sandwich- mix and match your ingredients, feel fuller longer, save time & money. Leave that deli section and next time you’re going to build a turkey sandwich, remember who is really king of the kitchen-

Peanut Butter and Jelly J It’s so good someone even wrote a song about it! **Play song**

Then I played this. No shit. I really did. I'm so hired:

What would you do?

Who do I speak with to get my unemployment payments raised? Is there some kind of 6-month review we can do for a pay bump? Just wondering, because I’ve been doing MORE than my part for this city. This weekend, for example, I saved a life.

I didn’t do it alone, my friend Karl was here with me. But seriously, we saved a woman’s life. We came home to my apartment and I went to open the sliding glass door to the balcony (that description makes my apartment sound nice and me sound rich- mama likey) to find a topless woman standing on the roof of the building next to mine. When I say topless, I don’t mean no shirt (no shoes, no service)- I mean NAKED. No bra, no shirt, no bando top, no booby tassels, NOTHING! She also wasn’t wearing shoes, but I didn’t notice that until a good five minutes after we saw her…you could imagine why.

Karl called out to the woman asking if she was ok, if she needed help, if she could hear us- nothing. No response. She didn’t even lift up her head; which, by the way, was hanging down over the edge like she was going to throw up. I told Karl that as an upstanding citizen, and as my social duty, I had to call the police. I dialed 9-1-1 because I figured this is as much of an emergency as you’re going to get- am I right, or right?! I explained to the dispatcher that there was a naked woman on the roof of the building next to mine, and I’m not sure if it would constitute “emergency” but we definitely need some figure of authority to go get her. To be honest, I called mostly because I pay TOO MUCH in rent to be staring at some homeless version of a dirty HBO movie.

After an intense line of questioning from the SDPD (description of the woman: topless, age: according to her saggy bags I’d say 45, weight: let’s just say if she leans over too far the laws of gravity will take over etc etc) they said they were dispatching police and EMTs. The cops arrived and BUSTED through the door to the rooftop of that building to grab her and cuff her. It was like a scene right out of an action movie. While the two cops were cuffing her and doing a medical check on her, another one walked over towards the edge and asked if anyone had an extra t-shirt they wouldn’t mind donating. Before we could say anything the woman upstairs had one and threw it across to the cop. Before she threw it, he told her to put something heavy in it (um...like an attempted suicide from a mentally ill homeless person?!) and I said “Tie it in a knot” and just as I said it out loud the dink upstairs goes “Oh I’ll tie it in a knot” ß Shud up. That was my idea. Don’t take the credit, just throw the GD shirt and go back to your bottle of White Zin.

Then this dialogue takes place:

Hot Cop: How long has she been up here?

Me: Well, she’s been up there since we’ve been home, so about 30 minutes.”

Upstairs Neighbor: “Yea, she hasn’t been up there very long. We saw her get up there”

**Insert me turning to Karl and meeting her with matching wide eyes**

Me (to Karl): WTF?! They saw her up there when she first arrived and they weren’t going to do ANYTHING about it?!

Karl: Those idiots need to be in the episode of “What Would You Do” with John Stossle just so we can prove that WE would be the ones to take action and THEY would just sit and watch.

Me: Would it be inappropriate to play Third Eye Blind’s song “I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend…”

Karl: No- then when the cops come up we could play a mash-up of Enrique Iglesias’ “I could be your Hero baby” and Mariah Carey’s “Hero” ß You all know it: And then a hero comes along…with the strength to carry on…

Oh man, if John Stossle could see us now. Sorry this story is so long, but now you can see why I deserve a raise from the state. I’m basically an EMT (CPR Certified) a cop and an upstanding citizen all rolled into one! Pay me b*tches.

Crime Scene:

Crime Ledge:

Crime dog Undercover:

                                                            Taking a BITE outta crime!

Still got it...

I had to complete a homework assignment for the job at which I interviewed last week. The instructions were to sign on to their website and make up your own event. I was thinking I would make something like this:

Event Title: 5k for the ASPCA or Run for Rover (it’s for the dogs of course!)

Event Participants: People and Canine competitors- No cats unless they're sedated or stuffed...or leashed

Event Info: Join us for a pre-race chocolate fountain, a downhill course and a post-race ‘build your own burger’ station as well as unlimited free Michelob Ultra- “for those who live the Ultra life.”

Post- Race: Come back that night and join us for live band karaoke, an appearance from Duke the Busch’s baked beans dog and fireworks.

I would hire me. I’d also run this race if it were real. Send me $10 if you would run it too! No for real….send me $10. I’m starting a fundraiser for the LGBT…well more for my two best gays’ wedding shower, but still. That counts.

I thought of this event (the running one, not the gay wedding shower one) while I was out walking my dog, and a man- probably with no home, definitely not showered, and assumedly unemployed- walked by me. He goes “Who is walking whom here?” HA! First off….he speaks better English than half of the world. Secondly, I’M walking HER, dumbass. She’s a 17lb dog…she can’t walk in a straight line and she’d rather chase birds into on-coming traffic and threaten people on motorcycles with her duclaw than walk. Although he did wink at me, so….bam! I still got it ;)

And PS- yes, I do walk my dog in a tight, tight red tube top and biker shorts. What about it? I look ghed.

Wine Wednesday

Sobriety: the quality or state of being sober

I don’t think being sober is a quality, actually. It’s more of a downer- and not the good kind. More in a literal way since alcohol is a downer (according to SOME know it alls). What I’m saying is, with all my free time I am beginning to wonder how people stay sober during the day. Don’t get me wrong here- I’m not an alcoholic by any means. People tend to throw that word around… “Alcoholic”…they use it too loosely, like “maternal” and “emotional”.

When my day is finished at 2pm (or 10am), it’s hard to not start happy hour right then. I guess I would just end up in bed by about 7pm and most likely sleep until 10am, thus getting over a solid 12 hours of sleep. I’ve heard that is not as healthy as one might think, so maybe drinking in the afternoon each day ain’t a good idea. Not to mention the wear and tear on the ole liver. But honestly, what is left to do when the dog has been walked 40 miles, one has worked out for two hours, all emails have been answered and that bottle of white is chilled to Wednesday afternoon perfection?! Also, don’t you have two livers? I can spare one.

I guess this is what people are talking about when they say if they weren’t working they would be bored. But I’m not bored. Does drinking wine at 2pm on a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday- any day ending in D.A.Y. - sound like someone who is bored to you? That just sounds like good time management to me. Sort of like someone who is efficient enough with the day that they are able to kick back and relax earlier than the rest of the world. A person who, at the very least, should most likely be consulted by any Fortune 500 company on how to get employees to function with such speed and effectiveness.

Is it really my fault if I get all my work done in two hours while it takes others all day? It seems to me like the system works backwards. I should not have been laid off for my ability to quickly and effectively complete simple tasks (then enjoy wine). I should have been promoted. I’ve got ‘upper management’ written all over me! Except for most recent Thursday when I decided to do an “out of work bar crawl” with my friend Bertha, we were totally over inebriated by 4pm, eating mystery lasagna and getting Angry Birds tattoos. In our defense, it was a REALLY nice day outside, it was the start of Comicon, and the tattoos were fake, so…

“The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.” – Office Space

Yoga pants and heart attacks

When my sibs and I were growing up my dad used to tell us to  “always look your best” because apparently you never know whom you may run into. My friend, Jimmy, took this advice very seriously and has really implemented it into her life today. She’s always ready to go out to a fancy dinner, her hair is always quaffed for a surprise photo shoot and her outfit can change from work appropriate to inappropriate with a few snaps and belts. I, on the other hand, have made sure to always look like I just worked out and on my good days, to look like a slightly more feminine version of Hulk Hogan. THAT’S RIGHT BROTTTTHHHER!

But really….ugh. Showering is hard. It hurts my feelings. It’s a process and not one that is actually required to live your life…or so I’ve found out. Want to know what else isn’t required when you aren’t working? Doing your hair, putting on make-up or getting out of sweatpants. Ha. Serious! No one cares! No one knows! It’s like a secret unemployed uniform. I do shower (sometimes) and I do change my sweatpants (into my running shorts) so it’s not like I’ve completely let myself go here…I like fooling the working folk into thinking I’ve just come, or am going, to the gym. Like I have the best job in the world and can go workout whenever it pleases me. This is how I did things when I was actually employed and I gotta tell ya…it’s going over A LOT better for me now days!

I will admit however, I get a little self-conscious when I go out to walk the dog in the morning. I’m thinking that people are judging me (because I'm so much more interesting than them and their life) and wondering how I am out walking my dog (in sweatpants) at 10am. Shouldn’t I be at work? ß That’s the people thinking that. So I always have excuses running through my mind just in case that one stranger on the sidewalk decides to ask why I’m out at 10am in workout clothes. But these start going through my head at warp speed so when people are like “good morning” I immediately respond with “I’m a nurse, I work the night shift, I just got home and am walking my dog and then going to bed. I work nights, I’m a nurse. It’s a night….it’s a job that’s at night. It goes on at nights. So….” I scurry away and the next person passes “Hi” and I go “I’M A PERSONAL TRAINER, I HAVE CLIENTS AT 5AM AND THENIGOHOMEANDGOBACKTOBEDANDILOVESWEATPANTSANDSHOWERINGISHARD.

So by the time I get back from that walk I’ve had at least four different professions and 900 conversations (all in my head of course) with strangers about why I’m out and about at 10am pretending it’s a Sunday. And now that I’ve told you my secret I need to spend the next 20 minutes making up new jobs and reasons to be out on a Tuesday, as well as ironing my yoga pants. Keepin’ it classy J