Christmas Forties (of beer)

After I posted about the Christmas Theft, I wanted to post something nice- tis the season after all.

This morning I went for a little fitness run, get my cardio on and poppin’ and I ran past two homeless gentlemens; these two gents are not strangers to me or my neighborhood. They are always out there, sitting around together smoking the ‘grass’ and reading books. Seriously- reading books! Those two hobos must be the most well read men in San Diego. Every morning when I walk my dog the one in the wheel chair smiles and waves at me, then goes back to his book. His friend says “Good morning beautiful” or “Hello pretty girl” (I think he might be a parrot in a grown man suit) and waves at me with his big toothless grin. So sweet!

Today I went running by and the wheel chair man started waiving at me from about 10ft away. So I smiled and waved back, and his buddy gives me the biggest, most homeless smile I’ve ever seen and holds up his forty of Budweiser! I gave them both a big smile and thumbs up for the beer and kept going. As I was running I got to thinking about what would make their Christmas bright. Easy: some forties and books. If those two smelled better I would probably go join their book club in a hot second. Beer and books- what’s better then that?! So before I head home for the holidays, I’m going to drop off a good book and a nice bottle of booze (I mean, a forty of Old E is nice booze to a homeless guy) so they can get a warm, holiday buzz.

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all from Miss Funs :)

PS- I just thought of this poem:

These two homeless guys are hilarious

They love me

I love them

They drink 40's at 11am

I think that's a haiku. The end.

Twas a Christmas Theft

Ok, so listen: I was going about my usual ‘Errand Monday’ completing all the meaningless tasks I assign myself to pretend I am a functioning member of society when something craaaazy happened. As I was headed out of our local grocery, I noticed the girl in front of me was carrying some t-shirts. The tags were still on said t-shirts and as I was reading the back of her sweatshirt, she snatched up a poinsettia plant and ran for the door. She busted out and jumped into her red piece of shid tracker and sped away. The alarm in the store was beeping and she was getting away! I witnessed a THEFT during ‘errand Monday’ and you know what? I didn’t do a damn thing about it.

I should have said something, or even ran after her (no way) but I had a full cart of groceries and I really don’t like to get involved in those types of things. And in any case, it's the grocery store’s fault for putting their prized merchandise (over sized Chargers t-shirts and poinsettia plants) right at the front where any wandering sticky fingers can get at them and bolt. But I didn’t do anything…I just headed down the ramp and stared at her through the window trying to give her the ‘that just isn’t right’ look that only moms and Mexican janitors at elementary schools can give.

And furthermore, who steals at Christmas time?! I mean…tis NOT the season for stealing dummy. Then I got to thinking that maybe she couldn’t afford the gifts she had thefted; but, when I thought back to the scene of the crime and viewed it slo-mo  (in my mind) I remembered that she was wearing Ugg boots, Juicy sweatpants and a Honolulu sweatshirt. Those are all pricey items of clothing, unless you get them at Goodwill OR STEAL THEM! And if she had the ca$h monay to pay for a trip to Honolulu in which she purchased an expensive island hoodie, then she can afford a Charger’s t-shirt here on the main land. Maybe she just gets a rush from stealing things, and I can understand that. I one time stole a plant from a grocery store maself. I did it for Mother’s Day ß now there’s a holiday when stealing is appropriate. Those arrangements are expensive! Only the best for my mom :)

All ‘n all I would have to say that I don’t blame that girl. The poinsettia plant is a nice gift to give someone but definitely not worth the $20. Those t-shirts, well…I would be pissed if I got me one as a gift but in the spirit of Christmas, I am going to pretend she was going to hand them out to the homeless instead of wear them all at once (or give them to me). So go on little girl, steal away, but just remember that Santa sees everything and he knows what you’re doing with those t-shirts. So watch your back, Grinch.

Side note: isn’t it odd that Santa can see everything you do? Sound familiar? Like someone ELSE who can apparently see everything you do?! I’m just saying there is an odd coincidence- both men, both have oddly long beards, both know if you’re naughty or nice, both have sons that may or may not be the Messiah…or whatever, this might be a thought for another day. I need a holiday drink.

----> this made me laugh: Christmas Criminal

A happy dilemma...

Woot woot! The impossible happened…I got the job! Amg thanks! ß I’m pretending you’re congratulating me, which you are.

Here are some awesome things: I would be getting a paycheck for more than circus peanuts. I probably don’t start until Jan. It is an awesome company providing me with full benefits. I would be doing something that I like and care about, and can dress in jeans everyday. J

Here are some not awesome things: I would be employed again and working 8a-5pm. I wouldn’t be able to stay home with my dog and see crazy homeless people all day long. I couldn’t sleep until 10am (let’s be honest, noon) every day anymore. J

I’m 95% sure I’m going to accept the position, but what will become of my little bloggy here? I’ll feel bad knowing that I’ve upset the one person that reads it. Let’s take a poll:

Please Vote:

1.     1. Continue the blog as Miss Funemployment even though I’m employed

2.    2. Change the title and blog about funny things at work --> Miss Funemployment Funemployed

3.     3. Discontinue the blog (boo)

4.     4.  Don’t accept the paying job and blog for donations (yay!)

5.    5. Have other funemployed guest bloggers (most likely not as funny as me, duh)

Vote away minions! And congrats to me J

Thursday's PSA

Listen up idiots of the Greater San Diego County: If you’re walking your dog and said dog is off its leash, then I am NOT responsible for my dog decapitating your dog. We are currently getting private lessons on not being such a b*tch, but honestly…Rome wasn’t built in a day. I know everyone in our residence hates us and thinks it’s wrong that we, for some reason, think we own the lobby, elevators and 5^th floor; however, when we get outside all bets are off. As a wonderful, careful and not to mention handsome (ah wink) handler, I do my absolute best to tell my dog that what she’s doing isn’t appropriate behavior for a lady. But once she is in the zone it is out of my hands. So once again, if your dog comes up to us uninvited for unsolicited butt sniffs, don’t expect a hug. Thanks for listening. The more you knoowww  ß that was Thursday’s PSA.

On a lighter note- I still haven’t heard back in regards to my last interview…so, goodbye cruel world. Just joking! I’m planning on going in tomorrow to occupy their lobby. Apparently it’s a new movement this ‘occupy’ thing and it is really catching on. Someone said it has been fairly affective in New York City and 99% of something can’t be wrong! After that imma occupy the bottom of a wine bottle- Happy Thursday J

Turkey Tiimmmee!

A.M.G (ah ma gah) it has been AGES since I’ve posted anything. I apologize to anyone (or just the one) that reads my blog. I have been all over the place lately. The last time you saw me I had just completed a riveting sales pitch for an interview at a company that I am really excited about…well GUESS WHAT?!...I still haven’t heard from them. Assholes.

I’m hoping they were all just very preoccupado with the short week before Thanksgiving, but they really, really want me to join their team and wanted to take the time to get me a welcome basket and presents before offering me the job. Seems reasonable. Thanksgiving is over though, so I’m assuming this will be the week- fingers crossed and funemployment forms lying on the shredder. Not shredded yet though- let’s not get ahead of ourselves now. HahayouknowwhatImsaying *elbow elbow

Speaking of Thanksgiving- I hope everyone had a nice time and ate some good ass turkey. I spent some time with my family and friends, but it did get me to thinking about working. I reckon everyone that went anywhere had to leave on Tuesday or Wednesday, assumedly taking a day off work to get to the intended destination. You enjoy the actual day of Thanks (yay), and then it is Friday (boo).

The Friday after Thanksgiving, in my professional opinion, is the dumbest day in the history of days. I mean…everyone in the United States is still in a turkey coma and trying to figure out how many pounds of mashed potatoes they would have to eat in order for potatoes to actually come out their ears, so why would anyone go to work? No one is thinking about business, they are thinking about how slow the day is going to be and how pointless working a day between a holiday and a weekend really is. Point.less. 

It also makes me mad because it cuts into the weekend and that always gets me riled up. Thanksgiving should be a party from Wednesday night through Sunday afternoon. When people have to work on Friday morning they don’t want to get turkey trotted (a.k.a mezzed up!) on Thursday night. After a massive dinner, the best thing to do is polish off a few bottles of wine while you break the wish bone, scoop sweet potatoes out of the dish with your hands and walk around with your pants unbuttoned for the next four hours. Instead, people complain about how they won’t be able to sleep because they are "so full", how they can’t have any more wine because they have to "drive home" and "work" and how the next workday is going to suck. And then in voicing all these complaints out loud they are completely ruining everyone else’s Thanksgiving night. Phew…so that’s what I think. And please believe that is the ONLY Friday that I will ever call dumb in my entire life!

I think that when I’m the CEO of my own company (most likely a company that will rescue injured birds and resell them on the black market for a high profit) that I will close my company from the Wednesday before Thanksgiving through the New Year. I mean….tis the season ;) 

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

I had a second interview people! For this interview I had to go in and make a sales pitch in favor of Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, and why someone should choose PB&J over a turkey sandwich. Here's my pitch with stage directions included:

This morning I’d like to start by saying that aside from the obvious fact that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches can be made by four-year olds and monkeys; there are many other reasons that our peanut-butter and jelly sandwich pounds the turkey sandwich when it comes to lunch time battles.

Let me ask you this question: would saving some time in the morning, or at any mealtime, be something that you’d look forward to and appreciate? (yes)

Well the classic PB&J is a timesaver! We have found that you will generally save about 2 hours a week just by creating a PB&J instead of a turkey sandwich. TWO HOURS! Wouldn’t that be nice?

This sandwich can be created in a Jiffy and bagged to go. You can quickly throw together a peanut butter and honey/jelly/nutella/banana sandwich on multigrain bread and you have a heart healthy meal- not to mention a sweet childhood memory!

It’s a timesaver but it’s boring eating the same peanut butter and jelly sandwich daily. Yes, some may argue that the turkey sandwich allows for more creativity as you can add more “extras”

 But let me ask this: have you heard of the ‘Regular Elvis’- peanut butter and banana with bacon, or maybe the ‘Black Elvis’- peanut butter, banana, bacon and nutella?

Maybe you’ve heard mention of the ‘Poo Bear’- peanut butter and honey or the ever-popular ‘Fools Gold’- peanut butter, raisins and some sugar. There are so many different ways to incorporate peanut butter and jelly into a sandwich it leaves the ingredients for turkey sandwiches crying on the sidelines.

Now let me ask you another question: would you like to save a CONSIDERABLE amount of money on lunches, food and groceries?

Let’s compare a pound of turkey, coming in on sale at around $6, to a pound of peanut butter and a jar of jelly coming in around $5 each. You would at first think the turkey is the more cost effective product. However, you can save $23 a week just by using the peanut butter versus making a turkey sandwich.

Plus, peanut butter and jelly keep longer than turkey- (not to mention longer than tomatoes, lettuce etc.) so you can effectively “spread your investment” over 3 to 4 times more sandwiches.

We’ll never win the war on our own hunger. So your best bet is to eat foods that keep you full longer; foods high in protein and fiber, like peanut butter. The peanut butter “sticks to your ribs” and manages to leave you content after your meal.

I’d like to point out the nutritional side of these sandwiches.  Some may argue the sugar in jelly is what ruins the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. However, our company makes a sugar free jelly, which is amazing. It tastes just like full sugar jelly with 1/3^rd less calories!

 So go ahead, grab our peanut butter and jelly sandwich- mix and match your ingredients, feel fuller longer, save time & money. Leave that deli section and next time you’re going to build a turkey sandwich, remember who is really king of the kitchen-

Peanut Butter and Jelly J It’s so good someone even wrote a song about it! **Play song**

Then I played this. No shit. I really did. I'm so hired:

What would you do?

Who do I speak with to get my unemployment payments raised? Is there some kind of 6-month review we can do for a pay bump? Just wondering, because I’ve been doing MORE than my part for this city. This weekend, for example, I saved a life.

I didn’t do it alone, my friend Karl was here with me. But seriously, we saved a woman’s life. We came home to my apartment and I went to open the sliding glass door to the balcony (that description makes my apartment sound nice and me sound rich- mama likey) to find a topless woman standing on the roof of the building next to mine. When I say topless, I don’t mean no shirt (no shoes, no service)- I mean NAKED. No bra, no shirt, no bando top, no booby tassels, NOTHING! She also wasn’t wearing shoes, but I didn’t notice that until a good five minutes after we saw her…you could imagine why.

Karl called out to the woman asking if she was ok, if she needed help, if she could hear us- nothing. No response. She didn’t even lift up her head; which, by the way, was hanging down over the edge like she was going to throw up. I told Karl that as an upstanding citizen, and as my social duty, I had to call the police. I dialed 9-1-1 because I figured this is as much of an emergency as you’re going to get- am I right, or right?! I explained to the dispatcher that there was a naked woman on the roof of the building next to mine, and I’m not sure if it would constitute “emergency” but we definitely need some figure of authority to go get her. To be honest, I called mostly because I pay TOO MUCH in rent to be staring at some homeless version of a dirty HBO movie.

After an intense line of questioning from the SDPD (description of the woman: topless, age: according to her saggy bags I’d say 45, weight: let’s just say if she leans over too far the laws of gravity will take over etc etc) they said they were dispatching police and EMTs. The cops arrived and BUSTED through the door to the rooftop of that building to grab her and cuff her. It was like a scene right out of an action movie. While the two cops were cuffing her and doing a medical check on her, another one walked over towards the edge and asked if anyone had an extra t-shirt they wouldn’t mind donating. Before we could say anything the woman upstairs had one and threw it across to the cop. Before she threw it, he told her to put something heavy in it (um...like an attempted suicide from a mentally ill homeless person?!) and I said “Tie it in a knot” and just as I said it out loud the dink upstairs goes “Oh I’ll tie it in a knot” ß Shud up. That was my idea. Don’t take the credit, just throw the GD shirt and go back to your bottle of White Zin.

Then this dialogue takes place:

Hot Cop: How long has she been up here?

Me: Well, she’s been up there since we’ve been home, so about 30 minutes.”

Upstairs Neighbor: “Yea, she hasn’t been up there very long. We saw her get up there”

**Insert me turning to Karl and meeting her with matching wide eyes**

Me (to Karl): WTF?! They saw her up there when she first arrived and they weren’t going to do ANYTHING about it?!

Karl: Those idiots need to be in the episode of “What Would You Do” with John Stossle just so we can prove that WE would be the ones to take action and THEY would just sit and watch.

Me: Would it be inappropriate to play Third Eye Blind’s song “I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend…”

Karl: No- then when the cops come up we could play a mash-up of Enrique Iglesias’ “I could be your Hero baby” and Mariah Carey’s “Hero” ß You all know it: And then a hero comes along…with the strength to carry on…

Oh man, if John Stossle could see us now. Sorry this story is so long, but now you can see why I deserve a raise from the state. I’m basically an EMT (CPR Certified) a cop and an upstanding citizen all rolled into one! Pay me b*tches.

Crime Scene:

Crime Ledge:

Crime dog Undercover:

                                                            Taking a BITE outta crime!