Ok, so listen: I was going about my usual ‘Errand Monday’ completing all the meaningless tasks I assign myself to pretend I am a functioning member of society when something craaaazy happened. As I was headed out of our local grocery, I noticed the girl in front of me was carrying some t-shirts. The tags were still on said t-shirts and as I was reading the back of her sweatshirt, she snatched up a poinsettia plant and ran for the door. She busted out and jumped into her red piece of shid tracker and sped away. The alarm in the store was beeping and she was getting away! I witnessed a THEFT during ‘errand Monday’ and you know what? I didn’t do a damn thing about it.
I should have said something, or even ran after her (no way) but I had a full cart of groceries and I really don’t like to get involved in those types of things. And in any case, it's the grocery store’s fault for putting their prized merchandise (over sized Chargers t-shirts and poinsettia plants) right at the front where any wandering sticky fingers can get at them and bolt. But I didn’t do anything…I just headed down the ramp and stared at her through the window trying to give her the ‘that just isn’t right’ look that only moms and Mexican janitors at elementary schools can give.
And furthermore, who steals at Christmas time?! I mean…tis NOT the season for stealing dummy. Then I got to thinking that maybe she couldn’t afford the gifts she had thefted; but, when I thought back to the scene of the crime and viewed it slo-mo (in my mind) I remembered that she was wearing Ugg boots, Juicy sweatpants and a Honolulu sweatshirt. Those are all pricey items of clothing, unless you get them at Goodwill OR STEAL THEM! And if she had the ca$h monay to pay for a trip to Honolulu in which she purchased an expensive island hoodie, then she can afford a Charger’s t-shirt here on the main land. Maybe she just gets a rush from stealing things, and I can understand that. I one time stole a plant from a grocery store maself. I did it for Mother’s Day ß now there’s a holiday when stealing is appropriate. Those arrangements are expensive! Only the best for my mom :)
All ‘n all I would have to say that I don’t blame that girl. The poinsettia plant is a nice gift to give someone but definitely not worth the $20. Those t-shirts, well…I would be pissed if I got me one as a gift but in the spirit of Christmas, I am going to pretend she was going to hand them out to the homeless instead of wear them all at once (or give them to me). So go on little girl, steal away, but just remember that Santa sees everything and he knows what you’re doing with those t-shirts. So watch your back, Grinch.
Side note: isn’t it odd that Santa can see everything you do? Sound familiar? Like someone ELSE who can apparently see everything you do?! I’m just saying there is an odd coincidence- both men, both have oddly long beards, both know if you’re naughty or nice, both have sons that may or may not be the Messiah…or whatever, this might be a thought for another day. I need a holiday drink.
----> this made me laugh: Christmas Criminal
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