Who do I speak with to get my unemployment payments raised? Is there some kind of 6-month review we can do for a pay bump? Just wondering, because I’ve been doing MORE than my part for this city. This weekend, for example, I saved a life.
I didn’t do it alone, my friend Karl was here with me. But seriously, we saved a woman’s life. We came home to my apartment and I went to open the sliding glass door to the balcony (that description makes my apartment sound nice and me sound rich- mama likey) to find a topless woman standing on the roof of the building next to mine. When I say topless, I don’t mean no shirt (no shoes, no service)- I mean NAKED. No bra, no shirt, no bando top, no booby tassels, NOTHING! She also wasn’t wearing shoes, but I didn’t notice that until a good five minutes after we saw her…you could imagine why.
Karl called out to the woman asking if she was ok, if she needed help, if she could hear us- nothing. No response. She didn’t even lift up her head; which, by the way, was hanging down over the edge like she was going to throw up. I told Karl that as an upstanding citizen, and as my social duty, I had to call the police. I dialed 9-1-1 because I figured this is as much of an emergency as you’re going to get- am I right, or right?! I explained to the dispatcher that there was a naked woman on the roof of the building next to mine, and I’m not sure if it would constitute “emergency” but we definitely need some figure of authority to go get her. To be honest, I called mostly because I pay TOO MUCH in rent to be staring at some homeless version of a dirty HBO movie.
After an intense line of questioning from the SDPD (description of the woman: topless, age: according to her saggy bags I’d say 45, weight: let’s just say if she leans over too far the laws of gravity will take over etc etc) they said they were dispatching police and EMTs. The cops arrived and BUSTED through the door to the rooftop of that building to grab her and cuff her. It was like a scene right out of an action movie. While the two cops were cuffing her and doing a medical check on her, another one walked over towards the edge and asked if anyone had an extra t-shirt they wouldn’t mind donating. Before we could say anything the woman upstairs had one and threw it across to the cop. Before she threw it, he told her to put something heavy in it (um...like an attempted suicide from a mentally ill homeless person?!) and I said “Tie it in a knot” and just as I said it out loud the dink upstairs goes “Oh I’ll tie it in a knot” ß Shud up. That was my idea. Don’t take the credit, just throw the GD shirt and go back to your bottle of White Zin.
Then this dialogue takes place:
Hot Cop: How long has she been up here?
Me: Well, she’s been up there since we’ve been home, so about 30 minutes.”
Upstairs Neighbor: “Yea, she hasn’t been up there very long. We saw her get up there”
**Insert me turning to Karl and meeting her with matching wide eyes**
Me (to Karl): WTF?! They saw her up there when she first arrived and they weren’t going to do ANYTHING about it?!
Karl: Those idiots need to be in the episode of “What Would You Do” with John Stossle just so we can prove that WE would be the ones to take action and THEY would just sit and watch.
Me: Would it be inappropriate to play Third Eye Blind’s song “I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend…”
Karl: No- then when the cops come up we could play a mash-up of Enrique Iglesias’ “I could be your Hero baby” and Mariah Carey’s “Hero” ß You all know it: And then a hero comes along…with the strength to carry on…
Oh man, if John Stossle could see us now. Sorry this story is so long, but now you can see why I deserve a raise from the state. I’m basically an EMT (CPR Certified) a cop and an upstanding citizen all rolled into one! Pay me b*tches.
Crime Ledge:
Crime dog Undercover:
Taking a BITE outta crime!
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