Wine Wednesday

Sobriety: the quality or state of being sober

I don’t think being sober is a quality, actually. It’s more of a downer- and not the good kind. More in a literal way since alcohol is a downer (according to SOME know it alls). What I’m saying is, with all my free time I am beginning to wonder how people stay sober during the day. Don’t get me wrong here- I’m not an alcoholic by any means. People tend to throw that word around… “Alcoholic”…they use it too loosely, like “maternal” and “emotional”.

When my day is finished at 2pm (or 10am), it’s hard to not start happy hour right then. I guess I would just end up in bed by about 7pm and most likely sleep until 10am, thus getting over a solid 12 hours of sleep. I’ve heard that is not as healthy as one might think, so maybe drinking in the afternoon each day ain’t a good idea. Not to mention the wear and tear on the ole liver. But honestly, what is left to do when the dog has been walked 40 miles, one has worked out for two hours, all emails have been answered and that bottle of white is chilled to Wednesday afternoon perfection?! Also, don’t you have two livers? I can spare one.

I guess this is what people are talking about when they say if they weren’t working they would be bored. But I’m not bored. Does drinking wine at 2pm on a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday- any day ending in D.A.Y. - sound like someone who is bored to you? That just sounds like good time management to me. Sort of like someone who is efficient enough with the day that they are able to kick back and relax earlier than the rest of the world. A person who, at the very least, should most likely be consulted by any Fortune 500 company on how to get employees to function with such speed and effectiveness.

Is it really my fault if I get all my work done in two hours while it takes others all day? It seems to me like the system works backwards. I should not have been laid off for my ability to quickly and effectively complete simple tasks (then enjoy wine). I should have been promoted. I’ve got ‘upper management’ written all over me! Except for most recent Thursday when I decided to do an “out of work bar crawl” with my friend Bertha, we were totally over inebriated by 4pm, eating mystery lasagna and getting Angry Birds tattoos. In our defense, it was a REALLY nice day outside, it was the start of Comicon, and the tattoos were fake, so…

“The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.” – Office Space

Yoga pants and heart attacks

When my sibs and I were growing up my dad used to tell us to  “always look your best” because apparently you never know whom you may run into. My friend, Jimmy, took this advice very seriously and has really implemented it into her life today. She’s always ready to go out to a fancy dinner, her hair is always quaffed for a surprise photo shoot and her outfit can change from work appropriate to inappropriate with a few snaps and belts. I, on the other hand, have made sure to always look like I just worked out and on my good days, to look like a slightly more feminine version of Hulk Hogan. THAT’S RIGHT BROTTTTHHHER!

But really….ugh. Showering is hard. It hurts my feelings. It’s a process and not one that is actually required to live your life…or so I’ve found out. Want to know what else isn’t required when you aren’t working? Doing your hair, putting on make-up or getting out of sweatpants. Ha. Serious! No one cares! No one knows! It’s like a secret unemployed uniform. I do shower (sometimes) and I do change my sweatpants (into my running shorts) so it’s not like I’ve completely let myself go here…I like fooling the working folk into thinking I’ve just come, or am going, to the gym. Like I have the best job in the world and can go workout whenever it pleases me. This is how I did things when I was actually employed and I gotta tell ya…it’s going over A LOT better for me now days!

I will admit however, I get a little self-conscious when I go out to walk the dog in the morning. I’m thinking that people are judging me (because I'm so much more interesting than them and their life) and wondering how I am out walking my dog (in sweatpants) at 10am. Shouldn’t I be at work? ß That’s the people thinking that. So I always have excuses running through my mind just in case that one stranger on the sidewalk decides to ask why I’m out at 10am in workout clothes. But these start going through my head at warp speed so when people are like “good morning” I immediately respond with “I’m a nurse, I work the night shift, I just got home and am walking my dog and then going to bed. I work nights, I’m a nurse. It’s a night….it’s a job that’s at night. It goes on at nights. So….” I scurry away and the next person passes “Hi” and I go “I’M A PERSONAL TRAINER, I HAVE CLIENTS AT 5AM AND THENIGOHOMEANDGOBACKTOBEDANDILOVESWEATPANTSANDSHOWERINGISHARD.

So by the time I get back from that walk I’ve had at least four different professions and 900 conversations (all in my head of course) with strangers about why I’m out and about at 10am pretending it’s a Sunday. And now that I’ve told you my secret I need to spend the next 20 minutes making up new jobs and reasons to be out on a Tuesday, as well as ironing my yoga pants. Keepin’ it classy J

Arts & Craps

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while kids. Nothing exciting has happened to me. I haven’t received an update from the interview I had last week. She said I should hear something by today, so fingers crossed for that. Also, fingers crossed that my already-assembled Halloween costume arrives today, or else I’m wrapping myself in aluminum foil and going as leftovers.

It wouldn’t really bother me to go as leftovers actually. I’ve never been creative at all and frankly, arts and crafts of any kind make me cry. I don’t cry easily, but if someone asks me to draw, paint or imagine something I start to sweat and hyperventilate. Needless to say, I failed geometry and dropped out of the Interior Design program on day two after I was asked to build a retaining wall.

My Dad on the other hand is a creative genius. When I was younger my parents made all of my brothers’ Halloween costumes and mine. One year, my dad made a popcorn costume out of a cardboard box, paint and cotton balls on top for the popcorn. It was awesome! I was the hit of the 4^th grade Halloween party, except for that I needed him to take off work to help me put it on because it had to be lowered over my head and then when I was in it I lost total use of my arms because the box cut off just below the armpits- making me about as useful as a turtle.  That year my friend went as a bag of M&M’s and we ran all over her neighborhood trick or treating. While we were running door to door I tripped and fell, please refer back to previous turtle comment, as I was unable to get up by myself because my shorty t-Rex arms wouldn’t reach the ground in that box. My M&M’s had to run back to her house and get her dad to come pick me up and set me back on my feet. Maybe that’s where my fear of arts and crafts started.

Cut to 7^th grade art class when we started pottery. I thought this was going to be my thing. How can you mess up art when it’s all in the eye of the beholder (or whatever shit they say about stupid art class). I started making an awesome pot out of snake coils- you know, roll out a piece of clay really long and skinny like a snake and then stack it on top of another just like it and make a pot that holds, well….f*cking nothing. The teacher came over and asked me what I was making. I was kind of taken aback because it was pretty f*cking obvious. “It’s a pot” I replied. Immediately she took her palm and smashed it all back down to nothing! Smashed my clay pot…along with my childhood dreams. I ended up making a Jabba The Hut looking monster instead and hating art forever.

Next up- last year: a very good friend of mine from work, Bertha* (the name she wishes she had) asked me to accompany her on our lunch break to a store called ‘Color me Mine.’ I had no idea what this store was, but she said it would be fun and she was going to make her best friends some Valentine’s Day gifts. So whatever, I went with her. It was better than eating a turkey sangwedge alone at my desk playing spider solitaire or bejeweled for an hour (and let's be honest, I played those games all day...my lunch break was basically a time-out from those games). We walked into this store and it was all plain ceramic items that you choose and then paint! I almost fainted right there. I picked out a blank picture frame to make for my Valentine- we had plans to go to Vegas so I was going to write “Happy Valentine’s Day- Vegas 2010” around the frame. I pictured it in my mind (you know, all the greats use visualization before they take on a task) and decided it was going to be red (for love) and have all the writing in black (because that’s the max amount of creative I have). I started the painting and wasn’t having such a hard time with it, and then I got to the black lettering. I started first with Happy Valen- and realized my message was too big and long to fit across the top of the frame. So I repainted it red and started over with ValEnTineDAy.

I realized my letters were so uneven (not to mention misspelled) it looked like a mentally handicapped monkey had colored them on there. So I REPAINTED it again red, and started over…at this point I started to get tears in my eyes and thought about just quietly pushing the frame off the side of the table so it would shatter on the floor. In the time it took me to collect myself, Bertha had made like 89 pots, frames, hearts and other nick-knacks that were all awesome. Said frame became a big joke between me and my Valentine where we would hide it in each other’s belongings to try to get the other to keep it without knowing it. He won when he put it in my pillowcase and I didn’t find it until I went to bed that night. Oh and just to update you- when we broke up I chucked that piece of trash down the garbage disposal and listened to it completely shatter at the bottom! I also threw away the frame. OH ZING!

So there you have it- I will NOT be making my Halloween costume, nor will I be getting a job in the arts. 

Jabba Da Hut -->

Interf*ckingNAILEDIT!...view.

 I did the interview and it went SWIMMINGLY! I quite literally nailed it…well, not literally. More figuratively, but you get it.  The lady was very nice and didn’t ask me stupid questions. I really thought about my answers and made sure to articulate exactly what I was trying to say so she didn’t think I had gone to Clown College. She did ask if there was an example in my life when a client was upset with me and if I could explain to her how I had handled the situation. I told her that my financial advisers had gotten very upset with me once, but my parents can hardly stay mad at me very long. And I handled it the same way I do any other emotions; avoidance and ignoring the issue entirely; easy enough. I think she was satisfied with that. Interview round two here I come!

Now I guess I’ll just get back to my day…workout, walk the dog, d*ck around on facebook and then carve pumpkins! I’m excited for that, seeing as how I am a Wiccan and it is the Devil’s holiday or whatever. Two years ago when we did this activity I made a Lil Wayne pumpkin…I used the pumpkin guts as his dreads. I should have sent him a picture of that to see if he’d come visit me just based on my artistic pumpkin rendering of him. Probably would have. Pic below. 

Since it is Wednesday and we interviewed today, everyone deserves a drink (I'll have 4, thanks). I recently tried Rockin’ Baja (downtown San Diego) and they have amazing food. The happy hour is ½ off apps and ½ priced well drinks! You could also hit up Johnny V’s or The Ale House in PB for ½ price bottles of wine- yummy yummy. Happy hippity hump day J

Lil Weezy Young Mooolah Baaabby:

**He saying "Bllaaahhh, and then I was stopped by a lady cop...thinking maybe I could date a cop...bllaahhh"

Enterveeyw Twodaiye!

I have a job interview today! Yay! I know this one will talk to me longer than four minutes so I’m already off to a great start. Hopefully there aren’t any stupid and/or trick questions like my biggest pet peeve, or my weaknesses. Speaking of, I found this little blurb from another blog and it made me laugh real hard. Thought you all might enjoy it…this man might be my soul mate.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/interview_questions

Enjoy! I’ll update you after the interview J

Karma Shmarma

When Jimmy and I were in high school we entered a contest to come up with a new idea for lunch. Apparently the ole meatloaf and Tuesday surprise were getting old to the kids at our school. Or maybe because it smelled like stale puberty and wet lamb’s wool in there that they had to come up with a way to get the kids to actually enter the lunchroom. Jimmy and I thought hard about what we would really want to eat for lunch and put in the suggestion box. Guess what fans? WE WON! We had suggested ‘Breakfast for Lunch’ and it had been the best (possibly the only) idea the lunch ladies had received. We were so excited we told everyone we knew- our town was pretty boring if you hadn’t figured it out by our lunchtime contest- so we got a lot of recognition.

As our reward we got a behind the scenes tour of our school’s cafeteria as well as a sit down Q & A session with the head lunch lady. Tap, tap, is this thing on? THE HEAD LUNCH LADY! She runs the show! HA! I still can’t believe it to this day. On our way out of the kitchen we were given a dozen of the school’s best selling item- barely baked, Otis SpunkMyer, chocolate chip cookies. These cookies were HUGE and amazingly doughy. I’m fairly certain the ingredients were raw eggs, Crisco and chocolate chips then they just flatted them out to look like baked cookies. It’s most likely where Jimmy contracted salmonella our junior year, but we can never be sure because she spent a good amount of time around chickens.

This seemed like the best day of our little high school lives. After that tour Jimmy and I basically felt like we owned the lunchroom. We were tiny CEO’s of the dining hall at SHS. Suck it peons. Our first move as CEO’s was to deem one lunch lady Beaker, as she looked exactly like Beaker from the Muppet's. You all remember Beaker, right? *Picture below to jog your memories. We would purposely go through her line with our french fry, potato soup and soft pretzel lunches and when we were asked for our student id numbers we would respond with “meep meep meep meep 5 Meep 432. Meep” and then walk away, sometimes not even paying her the correct amount, other times leaving her the change. It. Was. Hilarious.

Also- when lunch was finished and all the kids were on the way out we’d drop our entire trays, trash and all, into the garbage can. There were signs all over the cafeteria explicitly saying to NOT throw away your plastic tray as they are washed and reused. Good thing Jimmy and I didn’t follow the rules or we wouldn’t have had minutes of laughter walking out of the lunchroom each day. Minutes.

These may sounds like mean things we did, but for Jimmy and I, it was a way to get through the boring school day. I guess when I stop and think about it I’m clearly getting hit hard in the face by karma. Those ladies are most likely still working their stations in the lunchroom, wearing their ankle weights so they get some exercise in during the day and collecting a paycheck that they take home to their bus-driver husbands, while I sit here unemployed playing a game with my dog that I just made up called “Basket Dog.” (Please see picture below.)

Karma is a b*tch. 

Exhibit A: Lunch lady Beaker

Exhibit B: Basket Dog

Exhibit C: Get a GD job

Gettin' it together

 Funemployment:

A happy time in one’s life when one is not employed and one is not wanting to be employed.

During this time of retirement I’m going to become a renaissance woman. I just got a burst of inspiration yesterday- not real inspiration; in fact it was more of like a stomach pain. But anyway, I decided that I want to use this time to get really good at a lot of things. I want to take some Spanish classes, piano lessons, workout daily, do a triathlon, become a personal trainer, train my dog to not kill things (she loves the crunch of bones in her mouth), maybe learn to crochet, make my own ketchup- I don’t know. The point is that I want to utilize this time to become awesome at everything.

I know for those of you that know who I am, you’re thinking- “but Miss Funs, you’re already awesome at everything.” Well thanks kids, but it’s not entirely true. Me Espanola is no muy beano, I can tap out Fur Elise here and there and my dog definitely still kills things. So there you have it.

This unemployment ain’t getting me down!! I’ve also made my own Facebook page, so like me and be my friend so you can see more updates J

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Miss-Funemployment/202549566483472

Xo

Miss Funemployment